An evening at Long Bay

Last nite, Rebecca and I headed to Long Bay beach for fish & chips. It had been a long while since I was last at Long Bay and it is def my favourite beach. We had a lovely dinner and relaxing evening to end my working week...

Our fish & chips dinner from the local takeaway joint in Torbay.

These sea gulls decided to grace us with their presence & sing to us. We even received an encore!

As the sun sets....

A post of sorts

My first official post of the New Year....I've been pretty slack with postings lately. Oh well....wouldn't be the first time! Anywayz, so what's been the haps?

X'mas eve service was a rather quiet affair as most of the community had already headed away for their holiday or had family get-togethers. The highlight of the service would definitely have to be smelling the fresh bread cooking away in the corner with the intent of using it for communion. However, it didn't work and we had chocolate as a substitute......

The following week included working both stat days and moving to Sandringham to house sit. For 2 weeks, I had an entire 2 bedroom Victorian house to myself. A lovely backyard ready with rows of lettuce, herbs & fruit for me to harvest and have for many dinners to come. A magnificent kitchen filled with an awesome larder and well stashed cupboard with good equipment. The lounge decked out with a plasma screen. This was all mine for 2 whole weeks. Oh, and it was only 10 mins from work! It was fab to be able to get home before 4.15pm. I had never had that treat before. No traffic too!

I left today to head back home to my parents. I will definitely miss having a place to call my own. I wasn't quite sure just how much I'd enjoy being alone but I must say, I HAD A BLAST! It was great just to have my own space, esp after a long mad day at work. I'm gonna find it hard to be back at home again but I'm sure I'll cope...So if anyone needs a house sitter, I'm offering my services!!! :)

As for what I was up to for New Year's, I pulled an extra long shift on New Year's Eve only to get 4 hrs sleep and head back to work again the next morning. I didn't get a sleep in til the following Sat as I was on morning shifts. It was a hard week but hey...the pay cheque looked good.

As I count the weeks down, we are getting closer and closer to Feb 19. The day I start back at uni! I'm really looking forward to it...(as I'm sure you already know. Sorry to bore you). It's also getting closer to the week I'm' taking off from work before I head back to uni. I've got many fun things planned already but it does include a cortisone jab to start the week off though.

It has come the point where I need to get the jab coz my wrist just isn't getting better. Hopefully I won't be in too much pain!

For the past 2.5 months I have been rostered on what dad and I call 'honeymoon' shifts-Mon to Fri, 7am-3.30pm. Why honeymoon? Because these shifts are virtually non-existent to any chef in the industry esp for a commi....I've been really stoked to have all my nights & weekends free but above all, it's just been great to be in a routine and be able to plan ahead! I'm glad I've been able to prove myself to deserve these shifts. Let's hope it stays this way til I start uni. That'll be brilliant!

Well, I'm not one that likes New Year's resolutions...actually I hate them! Who ever achieves/keeps to the resolutions made?! Probably close to no one!!!! But I don't mind the idea of having some things in mind to aim towards; more like goals. So here are some of mine for the year:

1. Get back into some sort of routine with scripture reading and other reading. I've been falling seriously behind since starting full time work. Just being so tired physically and mentally, the last thing I want to do is read.
2. Get active! Again, due to full time work I have had no motivation (apart from the ever increasing kilos) to go for walks or runs or swims. At the moment, I'm looking into some dance classes but before that trying to fit in at least 1 run/walk a week.

SO here's to 2007.....Let it be an awesome year!

New Look

I finally got round to changing things round on my blog. I know it is still a little bare....In time, I'll get it back up to scratch.

Til then.....

Meanderings

It's been a long while since I last posted...I know, I'm bad at updating and shouldn't hassle others about not updating too.

Life as a full time chef is finally starting to become more acceptable (for lack of better word)-the lack of structure in rosters, unsociable hours, ridiculous demands on the body due to lack of sleep & proper nourishment......bla bla bla and the list goes on. I am still getting used to it and am in a constant state of knackered-ness but I'm slowly coming to terms with the nature of the industry.

About a month ago, I finally dragged my rear end to a physio to find out what was wrong with my thumb/wrist. It had been sore (& occasionally really painful) for a good few months but I thought it'd go away after while and I was just getting used to full time work. But it never went away and got worse. So it was off to the physio, then to a GP to get ACC. Since then, after a heap of forms to fill in (this is coz I am an accredited employee-way too many procedures to go through!), I finally got my claim approved. That's the good news. The bad news is there is a high chance of my needing to get cortisone injections!!! I'm not looking forward to those but if it doesn't get any better soon it's not a choice. In the mean time, I'm working in a constant state of sore-ness....

I don't regret the career path I have chosen despite all the negatives of the job. I still remember the sense of familiarity I felt on my first day of work and that is what gets me out of bed each day despite how tired I feel. I enjoy the challenge of a busy service-docket machine screaming at a rate of 1 docket per second, the head chef calling out the dockets at the top of his lungs, each chef from his/her various sections trying to gage how far away the others are so that all the food from every section can come up at once for a certain table. This rush can go on for anywhere between 5 mins and 2 hrs at a time. As the rush dies down, this is the calm before the storm, we catch our breath before the next hit comes and it starts again.

As we head into the festive season, the level of busyness increases and so do the stress levels of everyone else. I am both looking forward to it as well as not looking forward to it. The bad thing is that our work load has doubled and tripled so that we are always on top of things and not running out of food but the good thing is that there will be no time for thumb-twiddling and that I am that much closer to heading back to full time study!

Yes...only 10 weeks and 1 day to go before I start back at uni. I'm very much looking forward to it-the structured weeks/months/years and ability for me to plan ahead. It'll be a cruisee 2 yrs of study because I have papers that I am able to cross credit from my previous course plus I have knowledge from that too. So I am going in armed rather than aimless...I feel good about it. I hope I'll still be saying the same when I start-do remind about this when I am moaning and complaining about going back to study!

Something that I am exceptionally bad at is keeping a routine with my bible reading. I'm sure I'm not the only one but that's no excuse. However, on the odd occasion I get my A into G, I have been working my way (though rather slowly) through Philippians. A verse that as been playing through my head over and over again (this doesn't happen often, so I figured I should take notice of it) is Philippians 2:3. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Well...when I was reading this verse many thoughts raced through my head. I figured it is a pretty straight forward verse-be nice to others, don't walk round with a big head, be humble, do things for the betterment of others. That's all good and I get that but the bit that stuck in my head most of all is "but in humility consider others better than yourselves".

The bible is so often taken out if context and this verse is no exception. Of course you shouldn't walk around with your nose in the air with a big head and thinking you're all that. However, it's easy for someone like me to take that verse and do what I do-constantly put yourself down. When do we cross the line of being humble to putting ourselves down? When is considering others better than you become self destructive? Nothing I do is ever good enough, it can always be better. Even when 'perfection' has been achieved, it's still not good enough. I rarely say I am happy with what I produce and when I do no one knows quite how to handle it...

Something I need to work on is to be happy with what I have done/produce. Maybe not just happy or satisfied but proud of what is. I know it won't be easy, it's something that other have been helping me work at and we are progressing-though rather slowly.

For the love of study

This must be the epitomy of my madness! So...there has been an opportunity for a promotion coming and I found out about it a week ago. It is for the next rank up (Demi chef) from the one I'm currently at(Commi chef) and promotion includes a pay rise too. When I found out about this, I kinda dropped hints about wanting it-not so much for the money but more for the recognition for the amount of work I do. But at the time, he didn't seem like he was going to nominate me for that position to the Exec chef so I just left it as is.

Last nite, the head chef approached me and asked if I was still going back to study next year and I gave him an adament 'yes'. And I then found out that I was going to get the promotion had I not decided that I'm going back to uni.

So I'm a little bummed....

I can still decide to not go to uni and get a promotion instead but I think studying is something I really want to do at this stage. But some prayers on this subject would be great appreciated.

Breaking news!!

Yes, I'm heading back to AUT next year for another 2 years. Term commences on Feb 19, 2007.

So what will I be studying? Well........wait for it...................

DIPLOMA IN PATISSERIE

Crazy isn't it?! But then again, what's new? It is Jean we're talking about, remember?

The birthday that was...

So I celebrated my 21st birthday a couple of Saturdays ago. The actual day was pretty shocking-having had to work the graveyard shifts that weekend plus heading to the Mercy work straight from work. That weekend was a nightmare, surviving 3 days with a mere 12hrs sleep! Oh well, we got through it.

But I took Monday off to go to the NZ Culinary Fare & Hospitality show. It was a great day with dad-catching up with some people that I met while in Wellington and just being able to be a spectator rather than a competitor. I did miss the competition excitement though...Then later that evening, I spent the nite over dinner with the Jones', Snell's, Megs & Becs @ Molten. So that was more of a birthday day than my actual birthday. It was good.

Dinner was beautiful...I'll try and get some photos up soon.

So what's been happening? I've been extremely busy at work-pulling a double shift this pass Thursday so I could get my Sunday nite off. Not sure if I'd do it again though! But it was worth it just so I could get my Sunday off.

I'm still very busy with paper work for chow. It's not a bad thing but it does get a little overwhelming at times, esp when I'm exceptionally tired from work and just don't have the brain capacity to cope with having to sit in front of the computer for a few hours. But it still is enjoyable and rewarding for the most part.

I've been doing some thinking (shock! horror!) about what I want to do next year. At the moment, flatting is quite high on the agenda. I have people to do it with and everything. However, there are some serious thoughts of going back to uni to study Pastry. And with the Diploma I currently have, I'm eligible to go straight into 2nd yr Diploma in Patisserie. If I do so, the flatting option goes out the window coz i won't have enough $$ to be able to afford it. I'm still undecided at the moment....

Having said that, I'm having brunch with Alan (my lecturer/trainer) and Arno (trainer for pastry) this weekend @ Bracu, located in Bombay. So I'll definitely be having a good chat with them about whether or not it's a good idea for me to head into 2nd Pastry. I'll only do it if I can get into 2nd yr. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to brunch. Bracu is said to have great food and is situated next to olive groves. So it should be a delicious & beautiful day...

So if I head back to uni next yr, I'm seriously contemplating competing in NZ Culinary Fare in the Toque D'Or category. It's a highly prized addition to the CV and should be a blast. What's even better is it's a team event-so hopefully a little less scary. But we'll see...I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself.

Well, I think that's about all that's been happening in the mad life of Jean. Til the next installment...

Lessons of survival

Amidst of the hustle and bustle of the Rebo kitchen, I was tucked away in a corner cleaning some mussels that were needed for service that nite. While stuck with the tedious and lonesome job of mussel cleaning, my thoughts started to drift from getting the mussels cleaned in time to the various events in my life over the past week.

Recently, I've been feeling really overwhelmed. What with? Work, ministry, life at home & just life in general. And as Melissa puts it, "You seem to be back in that high stressed state". Well, she's not wrong!

From these 'events' that have been happening, there have been many lessons learnt-both new & old. So what are they?

1. If I'm the absolute crap, I can't shut people out no matter how hard I try. It's when I need to let people in most. However, when I do so, I've noticed the hurt that results in my actions. It's not pleasant-for anyone. So how do I solve this prob? On to lesson number 2...
2. Learn to let people in-esp those to care. But how do I do that when my trust for other is rather limited for fear of getting hurt? I was once advice by a very wise man, that the only way to learn to trust again is to trust...A viscous cycle, isn't it?
3. Communicating is lesson number 3. And by doing so, I guess I'm aiding lesson number 2. I'm not very good with letting other know how I'm feeling. I generally brush it off by putting on a big smile and saying, "I'm great, and how bout you?!". It's just the easiest way of avoiding having to face the issues I'm having to deal with.
4. When most people greet you with "Hi, how are you?", when is "I'm fine" an ok answer to give and when is it a lie? My dear friend Katherine and I once had a chat about this...When someone who genuinely cares about you asks if you are ok and you say you are great when you are not, what does that say about you and the relationship you have with that person? if you love that person enough, shouldn't you allow them to be there for you when they are offering a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent your frustrations? How would you feel if you were in the other person's shoes...trying to help but continuously being pushed away and left wondering what they real prob actually is?

So, it hasn't been an easy pass few weeks. But thanx to those who have put up with my antics ( you know who you are), I've been coping better. Thanx for being you, for being there and still being there despite me being crazy, mad me...I really appreciate it.

3rd place/exceptions/tolerance

So I'm back from a week in Windy Wellington. It was a good experience and I would go through it all over again- but maybe not til next year! It was stressful and absolutely draining but fun. After a 3 day cook-off, I managed a bronze medal. Yea, I'm pleased but not stoked...I really wanted to win it. However, I knew gold was out of the question after day 3 was over so I was only wanting to place.

It's taken a while for the brain to recover; yesterday was hard! Even driving was a mission, it required A LOT of concentration. I'm coping better today. So I'm back to work tomorrow. *groan* Unfortunately, I'm back to nite shifts. That does suck but not as much as being rostered on for a Sunday nite! I'm really annoyed by that so hopefully I'll be able to sort it out when I get back tomorrow.

A few things have cropped up since being back from Nationals and it's caused me to reflect on the exceptions (or lack of) that we make and level of tolerance we have for others. (I'm not going to elaborate on what it was that happened that brought upon this reflection coz there is no need to. )

How do we determine who are the people in our lives that receive more grace than others? What makes them more special or deserving? Is it because they have shown us the level of tolerance that we show them, if not more? Or is it because we crave acceptance from the other party(s)? What is it that drives us to crave that acceptance when that really isn't all that important in the wider scheme of things?

Some things to ponder on...

SkillEx Nationals

Well....2 days to go before I fly down country to the capital for 5 days. Why? I'm the Auckland representative for the Cookery category in NZ's Largest Trade Skills competition. I'm heading down with 17 other competitors from other trades + judges & chaperones.

It's both an exciting and nerve racking time for me. I'm stoked to have won the Regionals and qualify for Nationals. But I am also really nervous-coz there is a certain sense of the unknown (that I don't handle well) as well as expectation (both from myself & my lecturer).

Competing at Nationals isn't just a competition for 1st, 2nd or 3rd place, it is a competition to qualify for the Worlds. A chance to compete against the rest of my peers from the rest of the world. A chance to compete at an international level.

I want to win Nationals not to say that I'm better than everyone else and that they suck. I want to win it for the sole purpose of wanting to compete overseas to see what others are doing outside of NZ. To see where I stack up against others my age, those that I will be in competition with in 5-10 yrs time when we start owning our own businesses. And just the experience of being able to go overseas and compete.

So this last few days leading up to Wednesday are all a bit insane-trying to pack for the comp but also trying to organise the week after I get back. It'll be stressful but hopefully I don't drive myself silly coz I really want to do well and win over the 3 days of competitions.

No doubt I will be making some phone calls and sending many txt messages while I'm away. I'll be needing the support and company (even if it's via technology and not in person). I won't see many of you for a good 2 weeks, so I'll let you know how it goes when I get back.

house sitting/weird week/sneaky friends/new series

It's been about 2.5 weeks now that I've been house sitting for the Jones' with Rebecca. I'm totally loving it! Another 1.5 weeks to go. What I enjoy most is having a space of my own (even if it's only for a little while). I guess the only thing stopping me from moving out of home at the moment if the almighty $$$. Oh well...Hopefully by next year it'll happen.

The past week has been much of a non-week, thus making is weird. It has been exceptionally quiet at work, even on Fri nite, which is our busiest nite! On Monday, I had my hair done. The lovely Katie came by for dinner and then we spent the rest of the nite in front of the TV doing my hair. Tues nite was spent catching up with some uni mates over dinner in Mission Bay. It didn't end so well when we had to send one of the cars to the doctor! So it was one car between Ian & I for 4 days!!! Man, was that annoying...Anyhow, Wed was a typically long 17ish hour day which started at 5am for work and ended at 10pm ish after heading home from training at uni. Thursday was a nite of 'getting straight & dealing with reality' for Jean at Melissa's. It was that nite that I was given the official ban from any work-including cession related matters-on Saturdays. I tried so hard to weasel my way out of that but it was never gonna work. Worth a try though...Then it was up early Friday morning for training and then straight to work til 12am! Another long day. Saturday was another early morning (there goes my one sleep in a week) for training and then a nice evening at the Powell/Ritchie's for their house warming. I didn't do any work or cession related matters......Except for one illegal txt! :D I forgot and it needed to be done so, I did it.

It doesn't sound like much of a non-week for most people does it? But it was for me. Not so much that I was still running round trying to get things done despite not having enough time but more in the sense that there was no major dramas, esp comparing the past week with a couple of weeks ago.

Which brings me to Sunday...Boy, do I have very thoughtful, lovely but extremely sneaky friends! This Sunday was my rostered Sunday on worship as well as chow. However, at 1.30pm on Sunday, I received a call from one half of the Powell's to say that they are giving me a nite off so I need not worry bout trying to work round other stuff to be able to sing. Then they suggested that I give those who were on chow duty to say that I wouldn't be there til 5.30pm. Me being me, I politely agreed but at the same time trying to see how I could get out of this little plan of theirs. So we hung up and then started battling with myself about whether or not I was going to give in to the Powell's or say "stuff them and I'm going to church early".

Agreeing with the Powell's plans meant that I had to make a bunch of phone calls to a whole bunch of people so that they could pick stuff up from me coz I was gonna take it all with me when I headed down early. And I knew that that would cause me some amount of anxiety.

But despite my natural instincts, I decided I'd give in to the Powell's scheming and make the phone calls I needed to make to organise a nite off for me. And it was rather stressful at times but I can proudly say that I handled it better this Sunday than I would have 6 months ago. So after stuff got picked up, I headed out for coffee with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. (I had to some how occupy my time or I would have gone insane, literally!). After that I headed off to church and arrived at 5.15pm. It was hard enough getting there at 5.15pm so I wasn't gonna try and make myself be late. And the rest of tea nite involved me fighting the urge to help out. I even left before any cleaning up was completed!

So this weekend was the first real weekend off Jean has had in many years. It was hard giving in to someone else attempting to organise my life but if they didn't do it, I wouldn't have had time off. I would continued chugging.

Which brings me to our current series that is running at cession: Winter Spirituality. This has been a tough series for me-dealing with the issues of life & God when you are in the absolute pitts. Rather timely for me considering my current frame of mind and the haps of the past month. Each nite has seen me in tears, trying to deal/face with what I'm going through at the moment. The first nite I was able to bring myself to take communion but I haven't been able to since. Why? I don't know...Maybe coz I don't want to admit that I need help. Maybe I don't' want to allow God to weep with me. maybe I can handle it myself and it'll sort itself out eventually. Maybe even if He can see the pain I'm in, why not just make it easier for me.....?

I guess these questions are what make the current series so hard for me. I very often have mental arguments with God bout what is going on around me. And most of the time I think that if He just did what I said He should do, it'll all be fine an dandy. But obviously it never happens coz I apparently don't see the bigger picture and don't know any better.

but how are you supposed to know any better when you feel like crap, the whole world seems to be against you and life just seems so unfair? Is it fair to reason with a person in that mental state? Will they even hear you out to start with? If they do, how often will you get a well thought out, rational response?

When you are in the right frame of mind and thinking rationally, you know that things eventually work out, that they happen or a reason, that you work through the had times, you have friend around you etc etc etc. But don't you doubt that sometimes? Even just a little?

Just some random thoughts running through my mind while I'm in this transition stage of crappiness to numbness to trying to resume normality.

A rough patch

So I've been slack with updating.....

At the moment, I'm in recovery mode from a really really rough patch. The past 3 weeks have been weeks from hell for me. Though it hasn't been good for me emotionally, mentally and physically there has been 1 good thing that resulted from it: I discovered just how vulnerable and weak I can be.

Before I started full time work, I would go for days on end without stopping. It started with 12 days, then 32 days and eventually 53 days of constant madness. I coped fine juggling uni, coaching, work and ministry. I thought I could handle anything after that. Since starting work, I have had at least 1 day off every week with the exception of the pass 3 weeks. I think I would have coped fine if not for the extra things that I have had to handle. Unfortunately, there came a point where I couldn't take it anymore-I had to let off steam.

I tried to put it off over and over again. Constantly telling myself that it'll be fine and that I can handle anything. But I couldn't. So I did the unthinkable; I picked up the phone, dialed a number (while hoping that the person I was calling wouldn't pick it up so I didn't actually have to go through with letting off some steam) and that special someone picked up the phone! It was hard for me to do that. Can't say that I felt any better at the time but maybe it may make it easier next time.

Two-and-a-half years on, I now have people around me that I consider true friends. And I have found it somewhat easier to let off steam/vent. These friends would bear the brunt of my frustration. So, it's led me to wonder...

1. Do you become weaker, less tolerant, more vulnerable when you have a support system around you?
2. Is it a good thing that you are now less tolerant of life's stresses? If so or not so, why?
3. As an introvert and someone who seems to have it all together/perfectionist, how do you tell someone that you are not ok?
4. Is it fair on your friends if you don't keep them in the know when you need help most? How would you feel if you were on the other end of the stick?

Being sick & alone sux!

I was having a bit of a battle with myself about whether or not I should write this post but I thought I should....

Have you ever been sick and have had no one available to either pamper you or just be there for you? I have. Every year that I was in the boarding house, I'd have to come down with the mandatory illness that would put me out of action for a few days. This landed me in the sick bay, quarantined from school, friends and even 'my own' bed/room. During these times would be when I wanted mom and dad most but that obvioiulsy was never an option as they were a few million kilometers away.

So when I received a call from Melissa on Friday nite sounding not so well and home alone, I was on the road heading towards Paihia Rd without any hesistations. I did this coz I know how much it sucks to be on your own when you are sick. I did this coz I love Melissa. I did it coz I wanted to. Nothing in return expected, even a thank you (not saying I didn't appreciate the thank yous, though).

In saying that, the thank yous were flowing like a river from the time I arrived (from Melissa) til Sunday nite at church (from Jacob & again, Melissa). However, it didn't stop at thank yous...I was presented with an AMAZING bottle of wine as a thank you present! I was, and still am, so incredibly overwhelmed. Above all else, what I appreciated most was the phone call itself. So, from me to the Powell's, THANK YOU! I am very grateful for our friendship.

I've had some time to process the last message from our latest series: Upside Down Religion on sacrifice. For me, leaving Melb-the city I love filled with friends I made and a life I miss dearly, is a sacrifice. When I made that decision to leave, it was hard. Only having just left my home country just 3 yrs before that was what made the decision to leave Melb the hardest. I didn't want to have to start over again. So I made a pack with God, that He surrounded me with friends, true friends.

I'm very glad to say that He has kept His end of the deal. Moving has actually turned out to be a great experience of learning what true friendship is about, learning to trust again, learning who God really is and what He is all about. I often still resent the fact that I had to leave Melb and come here but when I remember the friends I have, their impact on my life thus far...it reminds me that this tiny sacrifice I made is nothing compared to what He has done for me on the cross and the promise He kept.

SIR-loin

Here's a little piece of food trivia......

Why is the cut of beef known as sirloin called what is it and just plain ole loin on every other animal?

Well, believe or not, this cut of meat was actually knighted! One nite, over dinner, there was a certain Lord that loved this particular cut of meat so much that, in his drunken state, knighted the cut. Thus we now have a cut of meat known today as SIRloin.

TV, ain't my cuppa tea

I got the much expected call while at work yesterday evening re the TV gig that I auditioned for a while back. Unfortunately, I didn't get it. They decided to go with someone else. Those were her exact words. Oh well...I'm not too fussed. At least I have one thing less to worry about trying to fit into my crazy work schedule.

Having said that, I start on my new roster next week!!!!! 7am-3.30pm Mon-Thurs. How awesome is that?! I even got the WHOLE weekend off. I'm so stoked. I have all my evenings off and a weekend. Which means, I'm not gonna miss out on weddings (sorry Juanita), leadership training, cell grp, coaching gym, church, a social life etc etc etc. And it'll be much easier for me to plan my week and fit in the many meetings that I attend rather than only being able to plan them on Fridays. YAY!

I had my first comp training the other day and it was good. We didn't cook anything but it was still very productive. We worked on skills that day and I turned 3 beetroots, 3 carrots, chopped 2 shallots & 1 onion. It was good. This may not mean a thing to you but 'turning' vegetables is a skill that is not taught much anymore so it is slowly getting lost. But when in competitions, you wanna be able to do it to show that you have skill. The more skill you have, the more points you're gonna get.

surviving/promotion/jealousy

Full time work has been an interesting experience so far. What made it interesting is not the job but more the transition from full time student to full time working woman.

I miss the certainty of a timetable; what my day is going to look like each week for the next 6 months and the rest of my life planned out based on my timetable. I miss the class room environment, where mistakes are not gonna get you in too much trouble-no unexpected clipping of the back of your head when you don't do something right the first time. I miss knowing everyone (maybe not everyone but you get my drift) I pass by in the corridor. I miss the sense of familiarity of a place that has been my second home for the pass 2 yrs.

All these things I miss about the last 2 yrs has made the adjustment a little stressful and overwhelming for me. Having said that, it hasn't all been bad though.

Granted, I don't get my roster for the following week til Friday and I don't have set working days or hours. Yes, that really gets to me especially being one to have my life planned out months in advance. But such is life and I just have to go along with it.

At the moment, the thing that I find extremely draining is the hours I do. They aren't all bad but they aren't all great either. Last week and this week, my hours have been 3-11.30pm, 4 days a week. Yea, I get a sleep in (kinda. I still get up at 9am-ish) but I don't get to sleep til 2am! That is by far the hardest part of the job. I'm surviving but it's not without it's consequences.

When I'm tired, I'm a lot less patient with people. I get really annoyed and sometimes can be very short and cutting. So that's not cool when I'm in a ministry that is very people oriented. My ministry is not just what I do at cession but my everyday life is a ministry too. My main job is not as a chef but is to reflect Christ and it gets tricky when I'm tired & having to be Christ to those that I work with.

In short, I'm coping but not such how much longer for...

I'm hoping that it won't be too much longer. Last nite after I finished up at work, I stayed back for a chat with my Sous chef. He's wanting to change the way the roster works at the moment. This means that there is an opportunity to work set hours and set days! And I've been offered that spot. If it all works out, I'll be working 5 days a week from 7am-3ish pm. No set days as yet but the hours are looking good. I'm no morning person but I much prefer working days than I do nites. It gives me the freedom of a social life.

But with this promotion comes a possible down side-jealousy within the work place. Now see, this new position that I will be taking on is a position where someone that is reliable is needed. Someone with some sense of urgency and common sense. (I'm not blowing my own horn here, just stating fact.) And for my Sous to offer that spot to me (a newbie) and not some of the other chefs who have been around much longer can get a little tricky. They all know that I used to work for my Sous and so there is a possibility that they may see this as favouritism.

I'm trying to not let this get to me but it is at the back of my mind.

A post of many thoughts

The past 3 weeks have been interesting; good but interesting. In those 3 weeks, I was willing to take some risks thus resulting in a few 'first' moments:

1. It's the first time I was adamant about making sure I took a holiday. Granted I did have some help from across the ditch but many of times, dad and my new boss would give me grief about saying no when I got asked to start work earlier.
2. It was the first time I said "No" despite constantly badgering.
3. It was the first time I didn't touch or look or consult my diary about what I was doing. There were many occasions that I was spontaneous about what I was doing.
4. I took my first trip out of Auckland since moving to NZ.
5. It was the first time I invited the Dunn's round for dinner. I tend to invite the same people all the time.

I'm sure that there are a few more 'firsts' but I'll move on...

I had a fantastic time with Kath while she was here. It was nice to hang out and spend time with her again after 2 yrs. We didn't get as much done as I would have liked but better than not doing anything at all. It was great for her to finally put names to faces and for everyone here to meet the person I constantly talk about. Kath, they all loved you and enjoyed having you around. Thanx for a great holiday!

There are many occasions where I get really frustrated with people. But the one time that it gets to me most is when I see the same people doing the dirty work over and over again. And though I may not be very vocal about a lot of things, I am when it comes to this particular topic. Many people close to me have had to bare the brunt of my ventings. Sometimes, I psyche myself up and ask others but often I just end up with a big slap and am left wondering why the hell I even bothered asking in the first place.

So where am I going with this? At the most recent leaders' training, we talked about team work and possible bottle necks the we may encounter, both as a team and individually. And for me, I had a rather large list of bottle necks from the list we created as a team. But the one thing I struggle with most is the issue of trust. I do have a past where people have not always been very kind to me, so I am very suspicious/skeptical/non-trusting etc etc of people. For me to even put this out here is scary....I don't make it easy for people to know me. I always put on a front that says, "I'm great!". I never let anyone know I need help.

But I guess, it's true that they say, "If you ever need anything done, ask the person that is already busy coz they will always make time to fit it in". Sad...but true.

I know it's something I need to work on. Not everyone is mean or has bad intentions. Not everyone is out to hurt me on purpose.

A nice flow over from that...During the 3 week break I had, I have a lot to be grateful for. The friends I have made at cession have been very patient in teaching me to learn to trust again. They threw me a celebratory party for finishing uni. I just thought that was so awesome. It's something that I would have wanted to do but would have never asked for it. I had a great time and thanx, again....

Also part of this topic on celebrations is friends. I just feel so blessed to have so many people around me I can call friends. It's been so great to achieve all I have achieved, gone through all I have been through and grown as much as I have with the help of these people around me. Your patience and love has meant a lot to me. I couldn't and wouldn't have done without you. (You know who you are so I'm not gonna name names incase I miss someone and people get annoyed.)

Something else to celebrate is my all-expense-paid-for trip to Wellington in late September! I wasn't even too keen on competing in Regionals anyway and I only did it coz I couldn't say no to my lecturer. Winning is always part of the goals, but I wasn't expecting it in a million years. So to have won Regionals and made it to Nationals just blew me away. I was SO stoked to have got through! I'm away from Sep 20-Sep 24 for this competition.

We started a new series at cession last Sunday called Upside Down Religion. We explored the issue of weakness and what it meant to be weak. Being weak does not mean you have to be a push over. It does not mean that you don't know what you stand for and can be manipulated. Jesus was often seen to be weak but not in the manner that we may think. He was never a push over or was he ever manipulated or not know what he stood for. Being weak means that you are able to humble yourself enough to ask for help when you need it. It means being able to be open and honest about the good, the bad and the ugly when it requires you to do so. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and cry like a baby on a shoulder that has been offered to you.

This is something else I struggle with. I guess it goes hand in hand with trust. I worry about what others might think if I am not my usual crazy self. Or if I am not in control of every situation I get myself in. This is nothing new and is definitely an area where I am constantly being challenge.

Here's an attempt at being weak: So I started work this week. I am not gonna lie to you and say that I was totally sweet and went all out and took to the challenge like duck to water. I was petrified, crapping bricks if you like. On Sunday nite, my mind was everywhere-thoughts running through my head at a million miles per hour. Then Monday morning, adrenalin was moving fast and the heart was beating even faster. The drive to work was complete agony and the butterflies in my stomach felt so real that they were flying so hard they could have flown through me! As much as I wanted someone to know, I found it really hard to tell anyone. I wanted to get it off my chest but couldn't. What was I afraid off? Maybe that no one would understand. Maybe I feared rejection. Who knows...

So how did work go? Well, after the initial stressing it went as well as it could have for a first timer/newbie. (I'm trying not to hate myself to much when I make the necessary first timer/newbie mistakes.) As the day progressed, I was overcome by a strange sense of familiarity and peace. Once I was shown how things worked, how each dish is meant to look things just fell into place. The next few weeks will hopefully get easier and better. I am exhausted as the hours aren't very friendly but I did chose this career so I have no one to blame but myself.

There's no real rhyme or reason to this post but for your sake, I hope it makes some sense.

Psalm 139

Currently at cell group we are doing a series on Friendship. A couple of weeks back we were looking at love and the role it plays in friendship.

Of course we discussed the role love played in our social friendships but what about our friendship with God? How often do we think of that relationship as a friendship? Well, one of the exercises we had to do was to rewrite Psalm 139 in our own words. So here's mine:

Psalm 139
You know me inside and out,
Each move, each step,
Each word, each thought,
You know it all.

You are apart of all my life,
Cherishing the good moments,
Learning from the bad.
All of it, part of Your great plan.

Imperfections are part of me too,
Your patience abundant and evident,
As I endeavour to be more like You,
So others may see You.

Created so beautifully in Your image,
How can others not see You?
My daily prayer,
For Your glory to be revealed
In due time.

Cool Kids Cooking

So there is a new cooking program for kids coming to town. When? I don't know...

Today I went for an audition to co-host this cooking program by Top Shelf Productions. The co-host will be working along side Master Chef Marco Kouch teaching kids age 8-12yrs how to cook healthy meals. I'm not quite sure why I agreed to it coz being on tv was never something I saw myself doing. My dreams were and still are to have my own restaurant; maybe have a little cooking school out the back but essentially something to call my own.

But I guess, if I do get the job it would be fantastic exposure. I'm at the stage of my career where if I'm able to be seen, fantastic! Being in an industry where it's not what you know but who you know, every chance I get to be with people that can get me work whether it be directly or indirectly, I have to take that opportunity.

It was interesting to say the least. I won't know for a couple of weeks whether or not I get the job but it was a good experience. This is one of the few things where it really doesn't bother me if I get it or not. It was done for a bit of fun...

We'll see. But I'll let you know when I know!

As promised...

So Jonathan made me promise that I'd post when I found out whether or not I made it to Wellington for Nationals.

I MADE IT!

While in the Thermal Village in Rotorua today, I received a much unexpected call to say that I made the cut for the Auckland team. My marks from Regionals SkillEx a couple of weekends back where high enough that I got in...

I'm so stoked. It was nice to win the spot fair and square rather than by default (which is what would have happened if I lost Regionals coz everyone else was too old to qualify for Wellington).