This prayer comes from Chp 12 of Richard Winter's Perfecting Ourselves to Death. It was written by some student of Richard's when he was giving a lecture on perfectionism.
The Perfectionist's Prayer
Their Father, who may be in Heaven,
Holy be my name.
My kingdom come,
My will be done,
In earth as it should be in Heaven.
I'll get my own daily bread,
(I can't trust you to do it)
but I can't possibly forgive my sins
As there are too many of them,
And they are always bound to happen.
And I can't see why I should forgive other people
As they are always hurting me.
And anyway they never do anything right.
I'm quite capable of leading myself into evil
Thank you very much.
And if you had made a good job of this world
In the first place, I wouldn't have to
Endure all the temptation.
Mine be the kingdom,
The power and the glory,
Forever and ever,
Amen.
When I first read it, I found it rather amusing. And as Melissa and I had our discussion about the book, we had a good laugh together, too. In my world, a lot of that prayer is true. Crazy as it is, that is how I am wired.
It's kinda hard for me to put this post up coz I don't trust people and therefore, never tell others how I'm doing and what's going on (esp those close to me). But I can't talk to anyone at home and I need to get this off my chest. So I'm taking a huge risk by putting this on the blog for the world to read. I just ask that you be patient with me, please.
Anyhow, this pass few weeks have been an absolute nightmare for me. Uni is getting more and more stressful (people and work load), life at home is getting really tense (there's some tension between mom and dad but I don't know what's going on, Ian decided to piss my parents off by not doing well in his studies and mom & Ian are really grating on me), work is a load of nonsense & waste of time (we've got a new head chef who is a total pain in the rear) and there's some crap happening within chow (people, AGAIN!). So there's quite a bit going on around me at the moment and it's taking a huge toll on me. I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained...So much so that I've had my face in my hands for the past week while trying to get to bed.
I feel so helpless...
Last nite I had a little chat (over gmail) with Juanita and she suggested that I spend a few minutes with God, surrendering all aspects of my life to Him and wait for His peace to wash over me. I wanted, so much, to sincerely give it up to Him and honestly say, "Father, I trust you in the situation of uncertainty, hurt, anger, absolute shit (excuse the language but that's how I feel) and that in time it will be better", but I couldn't. I just couldn't. It's that whole trust issue I have with others, God included. And as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't. And I didn't want to say, "Here, I trust you" when I knew in my heart that I didn't.
So where do I go from here? The coming weeks aren't gonna get any better. I only see it getting worse, at least until I sit my finals. I really, really want to say that I can leave it up to Him, trust Him that His plan is good and perfect but I just can't.
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4 comments:
when i'm too bogged down with my own problems i take a step back to get an eternity perspective... or try to focus on helping others instead of selfishly worrying about my own needs becoz giving is better than receiving. it may seem like everyone around you is a sponge sucking u dry but make time to worship Him our divine tap and you'll be refreshed again... :)
psalm91 helps...
Recently I've been challenging myself on exactly the thing you have bravely shared about. How to trust God in the midst of chaos. For me its been about realising that I always get to God eventually, its just that I might try to sort it myself first! When I finally do let God in, He makes a difference, a big difference. So, I've been experimenting with bringing God into much earlier. Learning from my mistakes if you like - if he's going to be there working it out when I get to the end of my resources then why am I sucking the life out of myself in the present?! Its a sobering thought for me - I actually get less done about the things that bother me if i leave God out, cos left to my own devices, I'm not that good. Thanks for sharing.
I just want to give you a hug! You know its ok to feel that way Jean. I think we often place too much value on what we emotionally feel. Trust isn't just about feeling peaceful. Alot of it is about doing. Its about continuing to do what you know is right & honouring to God despite the crap around you and in you, because you know God has promised to make you more like Jesus. He is in control and he will use events and people around you to achieve that purpose- whether you feel it now or not. So keep on going Jean! Trusting is an ongoing action, not neccessarily a feeling of peace.
Big hug for Jean *HUG*
Firstly my little control freak, you have to accept that you cannot control what other people think, say and do. Your parents may be going through a rough time, and your brother may be making it worse - but you are not in control of their lives, so try not to let their actions get you down. You can care, but you also have to be able to step back. Part of why 'putting it in God's hands' is successful is because it forces you to step back.
The same with the people who piss you off at Cession. There will be lazy buggers everywhere - c'mon Jean, you lived in the Boarding House - you must have seen them!
You do wonderful things for people, you are active and unselfish and a fantastic example. You may have to accept that part of that package IS the perfectionism. After all, that is really what drives you. Look at the positive outcomes from it.
The next few weeks are going to be hard - emotionally - for you. You are facing assessments, and the end of your course and then change. All challenging things.
You have lots of friends who are with you in spirit, if not in person. Let us wrap you in warmth and strength over this time.
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