Wednesday, November 26, 2008

clearer mind/growing up

Since finishing up at uni, the lower stress levels have definitely been evident but even more surprising is how much that has effected my how I process things. When I look back to the this previous term at uni, I guess I have noticed a slightly more mature side of me;one that is more in tuned with herself mentally, physically and emotionally. Kinda cool but at the same time I find it odd (prob because this is a totally new and uncharted are before).

What do I mean? Well, let me elaborate...

The old me used to get really worked up and pissed off when I'd get last minute notice to cancel previously organised plans. No matter how valid the reason for cancelling on me would be, I'd still find something to justify my anger. The old me would never handle not planning anything and functioning on spontaneity created more stress to my already high stress life. I could quite literally feel the stress build up within me. The old me was very oblivious to what was happening around me; I was very absorbed with me.

Since my stress levels have significantly lowered, I've been much more aware of me; how differently I react and deal in various situations and with people. Don't get me wrong, occasionally I am still very much me and get so highly strung that there is no way of rationalising anything with me!

Anyhow, I digress. There have been a few occasions over this past few weeks where I've had ppl stand me up at the last minute and I have surprised myself. Instead of my initial reaction being one that is pissed off, it has been one that is forgiving and understanding. And that has been ok. I have also not minded that my last few weeks have not been planned out and I'm taking every few days at a time (now, expecting me to take ONE day at a time is a little too much to ask for at this stage!).

Being in tune with myself physically is one I prob struggle with most. I am a head strong, exceptionally independent and stubborn wee person. Having been a gymnast for many years and now a chef as well as growing up in the family/ culture that I have, the idea of just 'getting on with it' and 'harden up' is what it is. That has been my life forever and very often still is. However, I've been having to battle a rather large injury this past year and a lot of the time I block out the pain and 'get on with it' much to my detriment. But since I've had SO much time on my hands, it's been on my mind more often than I'd like. I have yet to learn to stop and give my back a break but I have definitely been more aware of the discomfort it is causing.

An area where I have been kinder to myself is allowing myself to be angry, happy, sad or whatever I feel; not feeling happy just because that is what I'm suppose to feel. I am allowing myself to just be and it's ok...Friends have been great at helping me with this too. I have received very timely txts at times inviting me to just chill with them and it's just been what I've needed; to get out of the house away from my parents and be with ppl whom I know won't judge me.

It's been good to have this time off, for the most part. The only thing that makes this period of rest suck is the lack of money. It is otherwise a very much enjoyed experience and will continue to enjoy every minute of it while it lasts. At least I'll be very ready and prepared for work when I do start! :)

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