Reflections

Two more chapters and I would have finally come to the end of the infamous book on perfection that I have been reading this past 5 months. No, I'm not a fast reader but neither am I a slow one! The only reason why it's taken me so long to get through 15 chapters is coz I've been under strict instructions to read only 1 chapter a week.

Anyway, currently we have just finished discussions up til chapter 11. At the end of each chapter there are some questions for reflection and when we got to the end of the chapter regarding parental influence, one of the questions required more thinking than just a few minutes of recalling past experiences. Maybe this might get you thinking, too...

How have you been influenced in positive and negative ways by your parents?

This chapter was a particularly hard one for me to get through. It brought up some bad memories that I never wish to have to bring up again. For the most part, I have grown up in a pretty good household-parents love me, taught me everything that I have needed to get me through to the age of 20 without running into trouble with the law. But there is one thing that my parents have been not very good at; they suck at giving praise and encouragement when called for. They also constantly find the one thing that is wrong out of everything that is right and harp on it for like the next goodness knows how long. Don't take this as me saying I hate my parents coz I don't.

But since reading this book on perfectionism, I've had to examine my childhood and find out what has turned me into a really bad, and I do mean extremely bad, perfectionist. So this chapter has been really good at doing that, as hard as it has been to read it. I particularly enjoyed the part on hypercritical parents. Here's a little excerpt of it...

Perfectionist parents tend to have three particularly dangerous predispositions. First, they may be intolerant of mistakes and therefore strongly critical of themselves and their children. There is no patience with genuine mistakes, and there is implied expectation of perfect behaviour. When an accident results in an attack on one's dignity and character, there is a deep sense of being a bad person and hence much shame. Second, perfectionists parents may have great difficulty showing affection and giving approval, often because they have not had much themselves. Third, perfectionist parents have a tendency to make acceptance conditional on performance or appearance.

Do you know what the scary thing is? My parents are all of the above! The one that sung out the loudest was the last statement. Coming from a culture of geeks, nerds, brainiaics (excuse the bad spelling) I couldn't really escape the expectation of doing well in school anyway but having perfectionists parents added to that. If you ask any one who knows me, they'll tell you that I'm absolutely anal about getting an A+ and nothing less. Or if it's gym, nothing less than a perfect routine every single training session and competition. Before every assessment, competition, Sunday nite (either worship or chow), I am in complete stress mode. Stressing about what? Stressing about all the possible scenarios that I may screw up, embarrass myself, how something might go wrong and what I can do to fix it etc etc etc the list goes on.

Why? Because the only time my parents would show and express their approval and love for me would be when I did something well or did something right, get an A or bring home a medal. And when I don't do well, I received endless hours of verbal abuse (at that time I didn't know what it was. I just thought it was part of punishment) from my parents saying how useless, stupid and worthless I was. So each day there was always a longing for an A or a medal or a perfect routine and it's continued to this day. These days, the abuse still happens but not as bad as it was. However, when my parents don't do it, I do it myself. The internal dialogue just takes over and goes on and on for hours in my head. Crazy, I know but often I can't help it.

So back to the question earlier in the post. My parents may have done many things that have had a bad influence on me, specifically turning me into an extremely neurotic perfectionist. But are there any good things about how I've been brought up? Well, yes. I like the fact that my parents allow Ian and me to continue living at home, rent free. They are in no hurry to kick us out, actually I think they like having us at home, they don't require us to pay rent or for any bills. Unfortunately, I have a conscience so I make sure I pay for my own shopping and part of the petrol bill. I see so many of my friends that literally get kicked out of home when they turn 18 or 21 and they can never go back. I just can't imagine not having somewhere to fall back on in times of need. I just think that would suck big time. So, as insane as my parents are, they are amazing parents and am thankful for them.