What is going on?

I've been putting off writing this post for a little while now. Not because I can't find the time or couldn't be bothered but because it's a hard post to write. I'm not as worried about the big wide world reading about me and my life but more worried about the fact that by the time you finish reading this post, those close to me will know what's been happening in my life over the past few weeks. I guess, it's a case of being afraid to let others near me....

(Advance warning: if you do choose to read on, please do not be offended. It purely reflects me and what's been going on in my head.)

A lot of this may not make much sense but so I can try make sense of things, here goes:

Lately, I've been feeling a strange distance with people. It feels like there's a wall being built around me and it's getting higher and higher, bit by bit everyday. It may well be something I'm doing consciously or unconsciously. It seems very hard trying to connect with others, even feeling rather uncomfortable. Trying to start conversations aren't too successful, they just seem to dissipate into nothing-ness. I'd much rather be on my own, away from crowds.

Last Sunday was the 1st Sunday I'd miss church in a long long time. When it was decided that we where going out for dinner that nite with the family, I was pretty bummed. I don't like missing church and it's so much apart of my Sunday routine that it didn't feel right. But when Sunday came round and we headed out for dinner, I actually really enjoyed being away. A sense of being able to breath again, I guess. A sense of relief, of fresh air...

I'm finding it hard to trust people again. Not that the trust has been abused or they have been in trustworthy but I'm just finding it hard to open up and let people know when I need help or am nor doing too well and just want a chat. Again, this wall.

I guess, being back to uni without my usual bunch of friends is rather surreal. I'm still trying to get used to it. By trying to deal with this, I've just found it easier to make myself this lil box and stay in it.

The frustration of 'searching' for God is ever growing. It just seems the more I look the harder it gets. I often ask myself, "Why bother?". It just feels like I'm back at square 1. All the 'work' and 'effort' I put in before just seems like a waste of time. It all came to nothing...