3 years on...

Boy does time fly...

As of Monday, March 26, I have been in NZ for 3 yrs. I just don't believe it! I made it. I survived, still alive and sane (depending on what your definition of sane is). As of this date too, I am allowed back in Australia!!! Hurray...

I guess, I can't honestly say I have had such a testing year til now. So much has happened and still is happening. I graduated (this I never thought will happen) with a diploma, started working full time, competing at Nationals, finding out that I have a stuffed up tendon and am now back studying full time (glutton for punishment is what you call this!). In the midst of all that, the church I'm part of relocated and we now have our own building. This meant setting up new systems- still an ongoing process of trials and errors, building new relationships with other tenants that share the building, bigger and crazier, more exciting events.

The biggest journey I have been on this last 3 years is the journey of discovery; discovering who I am, why I function the way I function, how to make me a better me, who is God in my life, why is God in my life. I often still don't understand me. But it does amaze me that there are other people around me that get me more than I do. It's like I'm this book that you can read page by page. Hhhmmm....

So how does being a graduate feel? Rather surreal actually. It feels bizarre to be out in the working world. Getting up each day and going to work. When you are little, you seem in so much of a hurry to grow up but when the time comes to do just that you only wish you could turn the clock back. Having said that, it has been good to have started off my career at Skycity. To have that on my CV for future job applications will be of great help. I have learnt a lot through working there and interacting with people who work there.

Being chosen to compete at Nationals was just an amazing experience. Definitely one that I do not regret. Made friends and learnt heaps. What else could you ask for. Gave me a different understanding of competitive cooking, a new found respect. It was a very tiring 3 days of competition, a feeling I had never really experienced before and never have since. Maybe I will feel it again when I compete again...

cession is still going strong. I am still enjoying being part of this community (cession would be the one thing that keeps me from going back to Australia). As I said earlier, we now have a place to call our own. It was a very exciting time. Kinda scary in a way too (for me anyway) but definitely looked forward to. On the chow front, kitchen facilities are at times rather testing but we cope. Creativity and innovative spirit is put to the test. But no matter the situation, the meal still arrives at the servery, piping hot to feed the hungry crowd. Mission accomplished! :)

So how is being back at uni? Good and bad. Good coz I still enjoy learning. I enjoy the different kind of relationship I now have with the lecturers. More like friends than student-lecturer. Good coz I have a new found respect for pastry. I'm not as bad as I was/ I thought I might. Bad coz I am poor again! It's not the same without my old classmates. bad coz I can never switch my brain off. It is constantly running with the million things I have to do. Bad coz I am back to having double digit weeks, with days off few and scarce. Do I regret my choice? No. I'm glad I'm doing what I am doing now.

On another note, the injury to my right thumb tendon is official screwed. I've been on 2 types of anti inflammatories, 1 round of cortisone, (not enough rest), countless physio sessions and we are now looking at surgery! Yea, I'm pissed off and annoyed. I've been in a freaking splint on and off for 10 weeks since end of Oct and then permanently for the last 4 weeks. It is a pain in a butt. Every time I think it's getting better, it doesn't. Just chop me hand off, somebody.....

Anyway, so what does this next year have instore for me? Buggered if I know! I guess, what I hope from it is that my citizenship application goes through (I am yet to finish the application and post it off), make a much needed trip back to Melb to see everyone and do a big catch up, pass uni and probably the most important thing is to know me.

What kind of doughnut are you?

I found this off Ryan's blog as I was wondering through cyberspace....

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image. On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex. You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time. Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

What Donut Are You?

What is going on?

I've been putting off writing this post for a little while now. Not because I can't find the time or couldn't be bothered but because it's a hard post to write. I'm not as worried about the big wide world reading about me and my life but more worried about the fact that by the time you finish reading this post, those close to me will know what's been happening in my life over the past few weeks. I guess, it's a case of being afraid to let others near me....

(Advance warning: if you do choose to read on, please do not be offended. It purely reflects me and what's been going on in my head.)

A lot of this may not make much sense but so I can try make sense of things, here goes:

Lately, I've been feeling a strange distance with people. It feels like there's a wall being built around me and it's getting higher and higher, bit by bit everyday. It may well be something I'm doing consciously or unconsciously. It seems very hard trying to connect with others, even feeling rather uncomfortable. Trying to start conversations aren't too successful, they just seem to dissipate into nothing-ness. I'd much rather be on my own, away from crowds.

Last Sunday was the 1st Sunday I'd miss church in a long long time. When it was decided that we where going out for dinner that nite with the family, I was pretty bummed. I don't like missing church and it's so much apart of my Sunday routine that it didn't feel right. But when Sunday came round and we headed out for dinner, I actually really enjoyed being away. A sense of being able to breath again, I guess. A sense of relief, of fresh air...

I'm finding it hard to trust people again. Not that the trust has been abused or they have been in trustworthy but I'm just finding it hard to open up and let people know when I need help or am nor doing too well and just want a chat. Again, this wall.

I guess, being back to uni without my usual bunch of friends is rather surreal. I'm still trying to get used to it. By trying to deal with this, I've just found it easier to make myself this lil box and stay in it.

The frustration of 'searching' for God is ever growing. It just seems the more I look the harder it gets. I often ask myself, "Why bother?". It just feels like I'm back at square 1. All the 'work' and 'effort' I put in before just seems like a waste of time. It all came to nothing...